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🔹 Congrats to our Comment Contest winner R.W. for his comment (see below). He wins a sleeve of LA GOLF balls for his very minimal effort! You should take your shot today in the poll below!

Dear readers, today's story is a rare case where the drinking was not the problem. The responsibility was.

A member at an East Coast club who we'll call Guinness Gary, instead of the other beer-and-first-name nickname he actually goes by, developed a habit. He'd drive to the club after work, settle into a barstool, and proceed to drink with the focus and dedication of a triathlete. When it was time to stumble home, he'd do the responsible thing. He'd call an Uber.

Noble, right? Except for one problem - Gary did this four days in a row.

By Thursday there were four cars in the parking lot and zero in his driveway. His wife noticed. Not because she was worried. Because she needed the Tahoe to take the kids to school and it was sitting in the club lot next to his Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday car like a sad little fleet.

One car at the club is normal. Two is a pattern. Three is a problem. Four is when your wife calls the pro shop instead of calling you.

And she did. She called the pro shop. The question, relayed to us secondhand but reportedly verbatim: "Is my husband living there or is he just storing vehicles?"

The pro shop didn't know how to answer that. Neither would we.

On day five, Gary was a man who had run out of automobiles. He took an Uber to the club with the intention of driving one of his cars home. However, day five was a Friday. He saw some friends at the bar. He sat down at the bar. You know what happened next.

The valet staff had started referring to Gary's corner of the lot as "the dealership." One of them allegedly offered to wash the Monday car for him, on the house, because it was making the lot look bad. Another asked a member walking past if he was there to browse or test drive. No sales, but excellent inventory.

Gary did not find this funny. Gary found this reasonable. Gary was not operating with full clarity during this period.

The resolution came Saturday morning. Gary recruited some buddies from the grill room and staged a retrieval mission that one valet described as "a funeral procession in reverse."

The convoy rolled into Gary's driveway around 11am. His wife was standing there when they arrived. She did not clap. She did not speak. She watched five cars pull in like she was counting them against an invoice, which, emotionally, she was.

He ordered an Uber XL to take them back to the club. He went back with them, so he could buy them a round as a thank you. One turned into four. Four turned into who knows how many more. Gary got home after dark.

Gary takes Ubers both ways now. His monthly ride tab is reportedly higher than his bar tab, which is saying something, because his bar tab once triggered a finance committee discussion. He tips well. He parks nothing at the club. His driveway at home is full and his wife has her pick of cars to take the kids to school.

And the valet staff misses him. Not Gary. His cars. The dealership was the most interesting section of that parking lot in years.

Of course, everyone who hears the story asks Gary the same question. He's been asked enough times by now that the answer is rehearsed.

"Gary. Why don't you just Uber to the club if you know you're going to be drinking?"

"In the morning I always tell myself I'm not going to drink that day."

"Then why do you always end up drinking?"

"Because of everything that happens between the morning and happy hour."

We can't argue with that. We've met mornings. We've met happy hours. A lot can happen in between.

And so, dear readers, what can we learn from this? Is it that functional alcoholics aren't always as functional as they seem? Perhaps. Is it that self-driving cars are arriving in the nick of time for guys like Gary? Also possible. But maybe it's just this - as long as there are guys like Guinness Gary out there, Uber's stock remains a good buy and hold.

A 78-year-old starter doing cocaine at 7:15am is...

🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ How I see myself in retirement (16)
🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ Completely unacceptable (13)
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Just a man living his best life (85)
🟨🟨🟨🟨⬜️⬜️ A man that's not going to be living much longer (60)

We could have had a lot more than four options on this poll, but we whittled it down to the four we thought you’d like the best. Most of you, like us, went with the “best life” but a good amount also wisely chose the latter option. We understand that too.

Congrats to R.W. for this comment: “Plot twist, rival member dealer wants pro shop dealer guy out so there can only be one!?!” We like this, and here’s an extra twist - maybe it was his own uncle?!

Don’t forget to catch up on past stories at ccconfidential.vip - and while you’re at it, tell a friend!

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