Members... with Benefits

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The contest closes Dec 31st so stop procrastinating!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Dear readers, this delightfully scandalous tale comes to us from a longtime member at what we'll call Sterling Valley Country Club. As our source tells it, the 1960s weren't just about changing social mores at Sterling Valley - they were about changing partners, changing alibis, and keeping secrets that would eventually bring this prestigious East Coast club to its knees.

Our insider paints a picture of an era when Club President Don Draper's reputation with the ladies was as well known as his four-foot gimme policy. Most members knew to keep their wives away from his weekend foursome, but Pete Campbell Jr., the club's ambitious new admissions chair, was too busy studying spreadsheets at his banking firm to notice the raised eyebrows when his wife joined Draper's regular Saturday group.

The club’s staff had perfected the art of discretion. Joan Harris, the social director, could organize a dinner for sixty ensuring no suspicious spouses sat at the same table. Even the locker room attendants knew which members' cars needed to be parked with a clear view of the exit. Joan’s favorite reminder to her staff was legendary - "With so many members cheating, there's nothing more important than proper seating."

Although keeping member’s secrets from getting out was a point of pride for the staff, even the most careful players eventually miss a putt. When a fresh-faced pro shop assistant - young Ken Cosgrove, who'd only been there three months - tried to curry favor with Campbell, he unknowingly drove a wedge into Sterling Valley's carefully constructed façade. "Mrs. Campbell must have loved her anniversary gift," the young man said brightly. "That Cartier gold bracelet with the crossed clubs? Very elegant."

Campbell, who hadn't bought his wife jewelry since their anniversary nine months ago, made the mistake of asking to see the charge slip. There, in unmistakable bold strokes, was Draper's distinctive signature on a $900 charge (about $8,000 in today's dollars) to the Campbell account - a simple clerical error by young Cosgrove, who'd just spilled the secret.

A banker's curiosity, once piqued, is dangerous. Campbell began by checking the accounts of three women who shared his wife's regular Saturday tee time with Draper. Each statement revealed similar charges disguised as "tournament expenses" and "equipment purchases." When he expanded his search to include every member whose wife had mysteriously improved her golf game that year, the pattern became undeniable. But the real revelation came during the confrontation in the men's grill that Saturday.

The men's grill fell silent as Campbell laid out the evidence of financial impropriety. Draper sat back in his chair, that characteristic smirk playing across his face - a half-smile that pulled up just the right side of his mouth. Campbell's voice caught in his throat as he realized he'd seen that same distinctive expression just yesterday, on his six-month-old son's face. 

His hands began to shake as he noticed Draper's left eyebrow arching in defiance - another echo of his boy's features. 

Then came the final, devastating blow: that cleft chin that Campbell had wondered about, given his family's notably smooth ones. Draper's smirk widened as he watched the color drain from Campbell's face, clearly savoring the moment his adversary pieced it all together.

What happened next became Sterling Valley legend. Campbell's hands, still shaking, found Draper's Scotch glass - sending it crashing against the grill room's oak panels. Some minor “country club violence” ensued, which involved a swing and a miss by Campbell followed by a brief wrestling match that was broken up as quickly as it began.

Three horrified board members resigned that afternoon, before their wives' names could surface in Campbell's documentation. By week's end, four divorce filings hit the Philadelphia courts, each citing dates that corresponded perfectly with Draper's "tournament expenses." Sterling Valley's long-standing policy of "discretion above all" gave way to strict oversight of both member accounts and club expenses. Draper himself vanished to Palm Beach, where rumor has it that a few years later an unusual amount of cleft chins were spotted at Sandy Palm Country Club’s annual Santa Claus photo shoot.

These days, Sterling Valley requires two signatures on all club charges, and member accounts are audited monthly. Campbell moved to Boston, leaving behind both his position at the bank and his wife, who our source notes, gave up golf entirely - though she did take a sudden interest in tennis just days after the club hired a young, strapping new teaching pro.

A word of advice: some lies, both in golf and in life, look perfect until you study them closely. And remember - while handicaps can be adjusted, paternity can't!

Poll Question

Last Week's Poll Result

If you caught one of these bandits rifling through your bag what type of justice would you apply?

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 A 7-iron to the ribs (24)

🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ A haymaker to the chin (6)

🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ A polite request to "discontinue that illegal activity" (7)

Thank you, as always, to everyone who voted! We will be sure to never steal anything from you as there is clearly a violent tendency among our readership! (We kinda love that about you though.)

We have noticed a recent uptick in on course violence on social media so, given that our next scheduled email lands on Boxing Day, we figured we might as well curate some of our favorites (with our own CCC-esque commentary of course) for you to enjoy with your Christmas Day leftovers!

How Can I Refer My Friends?

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