CCC Presents: The Guys You'll Find at Every Club in America (Part 2)

Last week in Part 1 of our anthropological study, we introduced you to the first five specimens commonly found in the American country club ecosystem: The Vanity Index, The Range Rooster, The Perpetual Tinkerer, The Committee Chairman, and The Legacy Case. Today, we continue our exploration with five more fascinating characters that roam the fairways, clubhouses, and practice facilities of every golf club from coast to coast.

THE BACK NINE BARTENDER

This mobile cocktail laboratory hits his stride around the 4th hole when he breaks out a flask that could sterilize medical equipment. By the 12th hole, he's three sheets to the wind and dispensing relationship advice that would make Dr. Ruth blush. His golf bag weighs 50 pounds, but only 10 of that is actual golf equipment.

Annoying habits: Offering you a drink every three minutes, getting louder as the round progresses, telling increasingly inappropriate stories within earshot of the family foursome behind you, pissing in the woods and forgetting to turn his back to the fairway.

Golf etiquette: Early holes: Respects every aspect of the game. Late holes: Drives the cart like he stole it, leaves bunkers looking like D-Day landing sites, and might accidentally toss a club into a water hazard while gesturing dramatically about his ex-wife.

Betting risk: HIGH – Starts games sober, finishes them hammered. There's a sweet spot around holes 6-9 where the alcohol has steadied his nerves but not yet destroyed his motor skills. After that, all bets are off – literally, because he might forget you were even playing for money.

Tournament behavior: Gets disqualified after being caught pouring vodka into a Gatorade bottle by an overzealous rules official. Has been known to show up to 7am tee times still drunk from the night before, which he announces he can solve with a simple "puke and rally."

Standard conversation:
 "Want a little something for the round?" [Produces flask at 9:30am]
 "No thanks, little early for me."
 "Suit yourself! [Takes healthy swig] You know what your problem is? You're too uptight."
 "I'm not uptight. I just don't drink before noon."
 "That's what I'm saying! Uptight! [Three hours later, slurring] So anyway, that's why I think your marriage is struggling..."
 "I never said my marriage was struggling."
 "The way you deceler... decela... slow down on your putts tells me everything."
 "Can you keep it down? People are looking."
 "THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS OF OUR FUN!"

Overall Coexistence Rating: 7 - While potentially embarrassing in proper company, the Back Nine Bartender makes for an entertaining round. His golf game deteriorates proportionally to his philosophical insights improving. By the 18th hole, he can't hit a ball to save his life but might just save your marriage with slurred wisdom that somehow makes perfect sense.

THE DAWN PATROL CAPTAIN

This militaristic morning person books the first tee time available, requiring you to arrive at the course when it's so dark you need headlights to find your own ass. Treats golf like a tactical mission with strict timelines, contingency plans, and a pace that would make Olympic sprinters winded. Has likely never seen the back of another group because there's never been enough literal daylight for someone to tee off before him.

Annoying habits: Texting you at 4:30am with "You up?", making passive-aggressive comments if you arrive less than 30 minutes early, rushing you through your pre-round coffee, calculating exactly how long the round "should" take and providing constant updates on whether you're ahead or behind schedule.

Golf etiquette: Plays ready golf to an extreme degree. Will hit your ball if you're not quick enough getting to it. Rakes bunkers at a sprint. Has been known to pick up other players' balls if they're searching "too long" (more than 45 seconds).

Betting risk: LOW – Too focused on pace to cheat. More likely to suggest simplifying the bet just to avoid the accounting taking an extra three minutes after the round.

Tournament behavior: Finishes his round two hours before anyone else, then complains about having to wait for results. Has been paired with notoriously slow players as punishment by the tournament committee. Considers a four-hour round to be "basically a waste of a day."

Standard conversation:
 [Phone rings at 4:47am]
 "Hello?"
 "Rise and shine, buttercup! Tee time's in 73 minutes."
 "The sun's not even up..."
 "Exactly. No traffic, no waiting, perfect pace. I'm already at the course."
 "Of course you are."
 "I've got you down for arriving at 5:34, warm-up from 5:37 to 6:12, then three minutes at the snack shop if absolutely necessary."
 "Do I get to use the bathroom at some point?"
 "Scheduled for 6:14, but keep it brief. I've got us finishing by 9:22, which leaves plenty of time for a second round."
 "A second... you know what, never mind."

Overall Coexistence Rating: 4 - The Dawn Patrol Captain will get you the best tee times and ensure you're done before most people start their day, which is actually nice. The downside is feeling like you're in golf boot camp and the constant anxiety of being watched for signs of slowness. Plan on going to bed by 8pm the night before.

THE PRO SHOP PROPHET

This club gossip pipeline knows everything about everyone. Has more inside information than WikiLeaks and dispenses it with the discretion of a town crier. Somehow knows about member divorces before the couples do and can tell you which greens are being aerated next month before the superintendent has decided.

Annoying habits: Cornering you by the shoe display to whisper about someone's suspended membership, knowing your handicap better than you do, having opinions about your equipment choices, remembering your exact score from a random round three years ago.

Golf etiquette: Average at best. Too busy gathering intelligence to focus on replacing divots. Will absolutely pause mid-swing if he sees the GM talking intensely with a member across the course - potential gossip takes priority over a proper follow-through.

Betting risk: HIGH – Knows everyone's actual playing ability versus their claimed handicap. Will absolutely manipulate matches based on his insider knowledge. "Let's only bet Steve if he gives 3 extra shots" really means "I know Steve's been taking secret lessons and is about to wipe the floor with us."

Tournament behavior: Always knows the scores from other groups before they're posted. Has uncanny knowledge of where rules officials are positioned on the course. Somehow gets preferential tee times despite having no official standing at the club.

Standard conversation:
 "Hey, did you hear about Bob Mitchell?"
 "No, what about him?"
 "Suspended. For two months. Tournament committee caught him improving his lie on 17 during the Member-Guest."
 "How do you know this? It just happened yesterday."
 "I have my sources. Oh, and they're changing the bunker sand next spring. They said it was too expensive, but Harris talked them into it. His wife is sleeping with someone on the greens committee."
 "Jesus, can you keep it down?"
 "Why? Everyone knows. Except Harris. By the way, they're watching your handicap. Three good rounds in a row. Very suspicious."
 "I literally just joined last month!"
 "That's what makes it so suspicious..."

Overall Coexistence Rating: 6 - The Pro Shop Prophet can be exhausting and inappropriate, but there's no denying his utility. Need a last-minute tee time on a booked Saturday? He knows who to talk to. Want the inside scoop on which caddies know the greens best? He's got you covered. Just never, ever tell him anything you wouldn't want announced on the club loudspeaker.

THE EQUIPMENT EVANGELIST

This consumer-addicted nutjob changes clubs more often than his underwear. He's on a first-name basis with every TaylorMade rep within a 200-mile radius and believes that the key to breaking 90 isn't practice but rather spending enough money on carbon fiber. His garage looks like a Golf Galaxy warehouse after an earthquake.

Annoying habits: Interrupting your backswing to tell you about his new putter's "increased moment of inertia," bringing five drivers to the range to "test," insisting his ball goes 15 yards further since switching to the new Pro V1x, using phrases like "smash factor" and "dynamic loft" while shooting 97.

Golf etiquette: Spends 20 minutes deciding which club to hit while giving you a complete dissertation on his yardage gaps. Would rather buy a $300 rangefinder than learn to eyeball distances. Blames every bad shot on "equipment malfunction."

Betting risk: MODERATE – While he's typically awful at golf, he's fairly honest about his scoring. The real risk comes from him hitting into the group ahead while testing his new "Tour prototype" 3-wood that "the guy at the shop let him have early."

Tournament behavior: Shows up with a tour bag so massive it requires its own golf cart. Changes putters between nines. Might actually shoot worse in tournaments because he can't decide which of his seventeen wedges is appropriate for a simple chip shot.

Standard conversation:
 "Did you see the new Cobra driver? Supposedly adds 17 yards."
 "I'm still using my driver from last year."
 "Last YEAR? God, that's practically antique. That's like playing with hickory shafts."
 "I shot 76 with it last weekend."
 "Yeah, but imagine what you could shoot with the new stuff."
 "Pretty sure it's the same technology with different paint."
 "No way, man. The CG has been moved 0.002 millimeters. That changes EVERYTHING. Want to try it?"
 "I'm good."
 "You sure? I've got three of them in the car."

Overall Coexistence Rating: 6 - While the Equipment Evangelist will talk your ear off about shaft flex and bulge-and-roll technology, he's generally harmless and occasionally useful when you need to borrow something. Plus, you can often buy his "failed experiments" for pennies on the dollar when he decides they're cursed after three bad shots.

THE RULEBOOK ROMANTIC

This walking USGA manual has memorized more obscure golf rules than actual useful life skills. Carries a dog-eared copy of the Decisions on the Rules of Golf in his bag and gets physically aroused when someone takes improper relief from a sprinkler head. Would rather lose honestly than win with even the slightest hint of impropriety, and expects everyone else to follow suit.

Annoying habits: Calling out exact rule numbers and subsections during casual rounds, measuring club lengths with the precision of a NASA engineer, timing how long other players look for their ball, having a fifteen-minute discussion about whether a ball is embedded.

Golf etiquette: Immaculate, to the point of psychopathy. Fixes not only his ball marks but yours too. Will lecture children about proper bunker raking technique. Has been known to call penalties on himself that literally no one would ever notice.

Betting risk: LOW – This guy follows the rules to the letter, even when they hurt him. The only risk is that he'll enforce obscure rules you didn't even know existed, turning what should be a fun $5 Nassau into a mock trial.

Tournament behavior: Practically orgasms during the rules briefing. Calls rules officials over for clarifications that even they have to look up. Has disqualified himself from club championships for violations that occurred when no one was watching.

Standard conversation:
 "Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't set your drink down there."
 "What? Why not?"
"It’s on the green. You could be using it as a leveler to determine slope! It was clearly outlined in USGA decision 14-3/12.5"
 "We're playing for $2."
 "Irrelevant. The rules are the rules."
 "Fine, I'll move it."
 "Also, you're going to need to replace your ball. You cleaned it without marking it first."
 "Nobody cares, Dave."
 "The USGA cares. And it's my duty as a steward of the game to—"
 "If I follow all your rules, can we finish before sunset?"
 "No promises. I noticed some irregularities in how you've been marking your scorecard..."

Overall Coexistence Rating: 3 - Playing with the Rulebook Romantic is like having the IRS audit your taxes while you're trying to enjoy a backyard barbecue. Yes, it ensures honesty, but at what cost to your sanity? Rounds take 5+ hours, and you'll learn rules you never wanted to know about flying insects and cactus relief.

And so, dear readers, we leave you with this final piece of advice: Choose your playing partners as carefully as you choose your clubs. A great foursome can make even the worst round enjoyable, while the wrong mix of these characters can turn Augusta National into a five-hour stress marathon. Remember that every club has these archetypes, and if you can't immediately identify which one you're playing with... it might be you!

Poll Question

Last Week's Poll Result

🗳️ CCC Poll: Let’s Get Honest, Shall We? Which best describes your relationship to these characters?

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 🧢 I've played with all of these guys

🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 🤷‍♂️ I might be one of these guys

⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 😎 I am one of these guys—and I'm not changing

🟨🟨⬜️⬜️⬜️⬜️ 🍸 I just want to watch it all burn from the bar

We respect those of you with the self-awareness to realize that you might be one of those guys, but it looks like nobody had the guts to fess up and admit they ARE one of those guys. Maybe this week will be different… we have a feeling there’s more than a few “Back Nine Bartenders” in this group!